Rethinking Romance

“Winning the girl.” “Falling for a man.” “You complete me.” “I need you.” These have been the phrases of lovers for the last hundred years, if not the last thousand.

And they all need to be retired.

Starting with the last, let me say it plain — need is unattractive. It is also no compliment to be needed. I need air, water, food, shelter. I cannot live without those things. To say “I need you” is to say I have no choice, it is not under my control. I don’t know about you, but whenever I have heard someone say they needed me, I went running for the hills. It’s not flattering, it’s demanding, it’s tantamount to blackmail. “I have needs, and if you say no you’re heartless!”

What’s attractive? Desire is attractive. Even when I haven’t reciprocated, I have always enjoyed being told someone finds me interesting or desirable.

More attractive than desire is choice. “I choose you,” is the height of attraction — so long as it is said in love, not in ownership. Someone choosing me means I have qualities in me that the other person finds compelling, rather than they have a hole in them that I fill.

Which leads us to Jerry Maguire’s famous line “You complete me.” If you need me to complete you, I’m not interested. That’s called co-dependence, and is as unattractive as need. What’s preferable is if you bring out the best parts of me, if we compliment each other, match each other, make each other better people. (See The Only Relationship Question You Ever Need To Answer)