The Art of the Apology

One thing that should be taught to us in school or by parents is how to apologize. But it isn’t. No one ever tells us how until the moment when it’s demanded of us, in a situation where we already feel lousy. “Tell your brother you’re sorry!” “Apologize!”

Thus we don’t think of apologies as coming from us, but as something demanded of us by others. So we resent giving them, and are reluctant to do so, because it’s an admission of wrongdoing.

But an apology can be cathartic. It can heal both the wronged party and the person who did the wrong. There is little braver in day-to-day life than owning a mistake.

I’ve been thinking a lot about apologies of late. Had to issue a few, and have received some. It’s got me thinking about which worked, and which did not.

So here are some examples of apologies, and how they come across to the hearer:

“Sorry.” — Comes off as brusque, even resentful. Like a toddler, you are saying sorry against your will, because you have to. It’s also a common phrase people use in casual life — you bump someone, you say “Sorry” and move on. It has no weight.

“I’m sorry.” — Better. Those two words, by themselves, can fix a lot, though it depends a lot on how they are said. For example, yelling “I’m sorry!” isn’t an apology so much as you being mad that the other…