The Only Relationship Question You Ever Need To Answer

Over the years, a fair number of people have approached my wife and me for relationship advice. I guess we look like we have our shit together.

When people ask us for the secret to our marriage, Jan often quotes an old NPR story about a couple that had been married for something like 70 years. “What’s our secret? Frequent separations and gradual loss of hearing.”

It gets a laugh, which is what we’re going for. But it’s not true. We live in each other’s pockets. For the first five years Jan and I were together, we didn’t spend a single night apart. If I’m out and hear a story on the radio, I like to call her to discuss it. She tolerates it, though she’s more phone-averse than I am (she prefers to text, and will text me throughout the day).

She’s the person I want to talk to about everything. If I have a story idea, or hear something infuriating in the news, or a sad fact from a friend, she’s the person I want to talk to about it. She fascinates me, and she seems to feel the same about me.

But that’s not the secret.

The secret isn’t any long, rambling rabbit-hole of explanation — though she and I will certainly fill the space we’re given. We like to talk. And, naturally, that’s part of our relationship — we talk to each other. We talk when we’re mad, we talk when we’re sad, we keep the other person in the loop. No surprises.